Why Promise?
Together Forever, originally uploaded by Praying for Lions.
[I am currently mentoring several young couples that have either just recently married, or are planning to get married soon. I've encouraged them to read Gary Smalley's excellent book I Promise to help them prepare for married life. Periodically, I'll be posting my thoughts on the 8 chapters from this book. Whether you are newly engaged, newlyweds, or celebrating many years together, feel free to join in the conversation. The goal of these posts is to inspire you to experience life with God in your marriage. Enjoy!]
Chapter One: Why Promise?
Gary Smalley begins this chapter with a true life story of waking up in the middle of the night because his wife is convinced that there’s a prowler in the house! After 32 years with my girl, I can certainly relate to this story. As husbands, we want to keep our wives and our families safe. For Gary & his wife (who live in Branson, MO) they even installed an electronic security system in their house.
At 4:20 a.m. on October 6, 2004, Gary’s wife Norma’s greatest fear materialized. There really was an intruder in their house. Praise God, the story does have a happy ending…if you haven’t read Chapter One yet, sorry for the spoiler.
Gary uses this vignette from his personal life to talk about the need for security in our marriages…not electronic alarms systems but something far more important. “What I’m talking about here is emotional security–the security to truly open up and be known at a deep, intimate level without fear of being blamed, criticized, judged, or condemned.” (p.6)
Gary writes, “After directing a research team in years of study, my son, Dr. Greg Smalley, has determined that the number one key to a satisfying intimate marriage is for couples to maintain security.”
Gary reminds us in this chapter that our brains are hard-wired to seek a loving connection with others. Our need for relationship is built into us by God.
Dr. Bob Paul, director of the National Marriage Institute, has discovered that when you feel safe, you automatically open up and share more & more of your deepest self. (p.8)
Couples are always on the lookout for new and better strategies to make their relationship stronger. What Gary has found, however, is that all these strategies (date nights, reading books, attending seminars, etc.) are really only effective AFTER the vital element of security between partners is established. (p.9)
We all experience a natural resistance to openness. We’re afraid of being hurt or judged. Openness makes us vulnerable, and vulnerability means risk.
Gary writes, “Security reduces the risk…you don’t have to be the expert relationship guru, mastering all the strategies and techniques designed to enhance intimacy; all you need is to feel secure in your marriage, and the best possible relationship possible will happen naturally.” (p.10)
I enjoyed Gary’s illustration of the Bamboo Tree on pages 16-17. Like the Chinese Bamboo Tree, security is the root system of a flourishing marriage.
Here’s another thought that jumped out at me. “A secure marriage needs more than just that initial, under-girding, ‘forever’ promise (usually made @ the Wedding–my comment); it needs a series of subsequent promises to build safety into every facet of a couple living together and developing greater intimacy.” (p.21)
This first chapter concludes with this question: If security is the lock that protects every marriage, what is the key to that lock? That’s the subject of Chapter Two.
Questions worth asking:
How secure is your relationship with your spouse/future spouse? Explain why or why not.
What are you doing to make your relationship more secure?
Is the Bamboo Tree a helpful marriage illustration? Why or why not? At what stage of growth is your relationship?
Describe a time when you recently felt secure enough to open up & share your deepest thoughts, hopes & dreams without an uneasy feeling creeping in?
Building great marriages is another way we all can…
Live the Red,
Mark
June 4, 2012 at 12:19 pmHeather Murrell
link
I really enjoyed reading the first chapter of this book. If made me think of another meaning of the word “security”. The word “security” is normally associated with a more physical aspect. I had never thought about emotional security.
I believe I am very secure with my future spouse. We are both very honest with each other, and we except each other for who they are. Everyone should feel secure and comfortable to where they can express any emotion or concern to their spouse/ future spouse. My future spouse and I talk about everything and are not scared to share anything. If something is bothering either one of us, we know, without thinking twice, that we can go and talk to one another no matter what the situation. My future spouse has one of the largest, most open hearts of anyone I have ever known and I feel so much security knowing that.
I feel as if our relationship is already so secure, but there are always areas to improve. We continue to work on communication and speaking about issues instead of holding them inside. Since we have been together, we have grown so much, and every day I feel as if we get stronger. I believe this is because we do continue to get more secure with one another.
I believe the bamboo tree is a wonderful illustration of marriage. Again, I would never have thought to think of a bamboo tree as a marriage. I believe the stage we are in would be the roots. We continue to communicate and become more secure with one another every day. This to me illustrates the roots, growing and becoming stronger. I believe on the outside, we may still look new and maybe a little fragile, but on the inside, we are flourishing. I believe as we continue to grow, those roots will become stronger making our “tree” big, beautiful, full, strong, and amazing.
There was a time recently that I wanted to discuss a point of view I had on an issue with my future spouse. This issue was a touchy subject for anyone to discuss, but I had no feelings or emotions steering me the other way. I came right out about my thoughts and explained my reasoning’s. I did not once feel scared, worried, or uneasy. This is because I know the person I am talking to. Like I said above, I have never met someone with a more kind, open, considerate heart. He welcomes my thoughts, opinions, and observations. It’s an amazing feeling knowing you can go to your other half with anything.
Building great marriages is another way we can all become stronger, more motivated, and secure. I grew up in a broken home, and I believe that made me stronger, but I sometimes think how it would have been if my parents had a good relationship and were celebrating their 35 year anniversary. I honestly believe that could have made me even stronger. I believe seeing long, lasting, healthy marriages is so positive not only for your children, but for the world around you. Seeing a happy marriage brings a smile to my face and you can just feel the positive energy. When you have positive energy you are motivated, secure, strong, determined, etc. I feel a great marriage is something that anyone can look at and build off of, again whether it’s your children, neighbor, or an unfamiliar person walking down the street.
June 4, 2012 at 8:19 pmBrent
link
I feel our relationship is pretty secure. No matter what happens at the end of the day we can look into each others eyes and just know that everything is going to be ok. We might not always agree on everything and we might not always understand each other. Times get hard and we get into big disagreements or have different opinions about certain things. But I feel that we have a strong bond and we both try really hard to make the other one happy. We are willing to put our own wants or needs aside to try and make each other happy.
To make our relationship more secure I need to work on a few things. There are times when I may say or do something a certain way that may be taken the wrong way. Sometimes I may be too quick to snap or say something with a certain tone that may come across really aggressive or angry. I need to work on just trying to understand the whole situation and talking things over without getting mad or upset.
I do feel that the Bamboo Tree is a helpful marriage illustration. It explains how it takes time for a foundation to be built and it gets stonger as life goes on. I feel our relationship is still in the early stages of growth. As we go through more life experiences together it will get stronger. As we get married, have children, put the children through school, go through the ups and downs of life and deal with challenges our relationship will continue to grow.
There is nothing specific that I have really had to open up and share deep thoughts about recently. But whenever I do have anything serious or difficult to discuss she is willing to listen and share her thoughts and feelings without being judgemental. We may not always have the best communication but I feel that it is something we are both very willing to work on and try to improve.
June 4, 2012 at 10:33 pmDrMRJ
link | my site | author
Thanks for commenting! Really love your honesty with each other. I know you’re going to have a great marriage. Looking forward to diving into Chapter Two! Thanks again for posting your comments!
Mark
June 20, 2012 at 7:03 amAmber DeAngelo
link
I believe that the relationship I have with my future spouse is very secure. No matter what is happening or going on in our daily lives, we can always rely on each other to be there. Casey is my biggest support system and my solid rock and I know that as I am reaching for my dreams and goals in life that he is always there to support me and push me along the way. I feel very confident that we can talk and open up about anything and work at our weaknesses together. I am not afraid to show my emotional side and allow him to see me at my weakest moments, knowing that he will be there to help reassure me that he will always be there for me and never let me down.
In our relationship I do believe that there is always room for improvement. There are times when I am afraid to open up about certain topics because I feel they are petty and not important. After reading this chapter, I now realize that nothing is ever too petty or not important. If it is something that is bothering me then I need to open up not matter how big or small. My favorite thing to tell Casey is “I’m fine”, but he is a very smart man and knows that when those words come out of my mouth that I am truly not fine and something whether big or small is really bothering me. But now I am going to work hard at expressing my concerns I may have and retiring my famous “I’m fine” phrase. Communication is very important in building that secure foundation.
I believe the Bamboo Tree illustration was a great way to really look at a relationship. When we first started dating there was not much to it, just the occasional date and hanging out and then with each passing month and year we began growing in each other. We have grown so much together and have truly became the people we wanted to be. I believe if it was not for Casey that I would not be reaching for my dreams and I would also like to believe that I helped change Casey for the better. We were both young (and still are) when we met and our view on life was completely different. In October of this year, we will have been dating for 5 years and I do believe that we have changed each other for the better and that our roots have grown and interwined with each other that we now have a stable and secure foundation to start the rest of our lives together. We are stable and strong enough to withstand any storms that may come our way.
I have recently felt secure enough to open up about an issue that recently came up about our wedding. Casey handled it very well and allowed me to share my frustration without judging me or making me feel insecure. After opening up to him about it and sharing my feelings on the issue, we were quickly able to resolve the problem and move forward.
I am very excited to continue to read this book and to build a better relationship for Casey and I. I want to have that marriage that lasts for 60+ years and live to tell everyone about it. Working in the hospital, I meet couples who have been married for 40 years or longer; they are still by each other’s side no matter the circumstance and tell me that having a great marriage is the most rewarding experience.
June 21, 2012 at 9:25 pmCasey
link
We have a secure relationship in that we can both be who we are around each other without being concerned about what each other think. We are very open with each other (after dating for 5 years haha) and can tell each other anything, which gives us more of a best friend relationship. There are times when we may disagree on a subject or a particular situation that we could improve in expressing how we are feeling at that moment instead of putting up those “walls” that Dr. Smalley spoke of in the first chapter.
While we are not currently (at least knowingly) working on making our relationship secure, I think that we could recall that being true and open with the way we are feeling is the number one building block in our relationship in order to push for that security. Also I could personally work on thinking a little harder about how the things I say are going to affect my future life partner before I am quick to comment. This can definitely work towards that stronger sense of security.
The bamboo tree is a great metaphor for a healthy and growing marriage. The ability of two people to be completely open and honest without hesitation (strong roots) is the most difficult ingredient of a relationship, therefore taking the most time to achieve. With that said it is the most important step in long term growth. Our relationship is still in the rooting stage, but I believe we grow everyday in our security and are ready for the long term growth when we tie the knot.
Though not recent, I believe that because we have dated throughout most of college, we have had a long period of time to reveal our hopes, dreams and where we want to be in 10,20, or 30 years down the road. We have built a comfort level that has allowed us to share these deep thoughts with each other. All of these beliefs have brought us closer and led to our engagement and eventually marriage.
July 19, 2012 at 8:15 pmMichaiah
link
We are enjoying this book … we take turns reading out loud to each other, and although we just recently got started, we are putting together the conversation pieces and buliding on concepts discussed in the couples Bible fellowship class at IBC. I feel that we have a solid, growing relationship, and although it is not perfect — and we have not yet reached the 80-foot growth spurt of the bamboo trees discussed in chapter one, I am excited that we are on our way. If I had to guess, I would estimate our current relationship somewhere in-between year 3 and year 4 of the bamboo tree, and that our true intimacy with each other is only beginning. I feel very safe and secure in communicating my joys, frustrations, and challenges with my future husband. While we are still learning about each other – and will have a lifetime of layers to understand and deepen our relationship – I know that I can come to Kyle with anything, positive or negative, and he will carefully listen (what a great quality in a future spouse!). I know he probably does not always know what to say … and sometimes he does not need to say anything … but knowing that I can present my feelings to him without the feeling of judgement or bother is very supportive & important to me. I also find that when we communicate on many levels with each other it sets the perfect stage for use to unite as a couple and present our thanks and requests to God through prayer.
While the physical and emotional security is very strong in our relationship, one thing I have been very excited about is that God has begun to grow the spiritual side of our relationship over the past 18 months. I am assuming that many couples may be in “different” places in their spiritual walk with the Lord at any given time, but I am excited that through the couples Bible fellowship class and several christian-focused relationship books we are able to further our communication with each other and work to be more on the “same page”. I feel so blessed that God has placed a man in my life that is taking great strides in his place as a spiritual leader of our future family. I know this might be achieved in different ways, but it makes me feel secure to know that attending church and Bible fellowship is a priority to us, although only one small piece of the puzzle. Surrounding ourselves with more christian friends is a priority. Time together to read & develop our relationship with one another and with God is a priority. In many ways, we are not perfect, but the desire Kyle has to be this person for our family brings great peace and comfort in knowing that our future together is starting off in the right direction.
July 29, 2012 at 1:30 pmKyle
link
I think our relationship is fairly secure. Most of the time, I feel completely secure discussing any subject with her and I think she also feels pretty secure being open with me. There are still some times that I hold back either because I’m worried about the response or want to avoid conflict, but I hope to work at this as our relationship grows to enjoy the benefit of complete openness with each other.
To work at this, I am trying to be more respectful to her about all the things she confides in me. For example, when she talks about her hopes and dreams for the future, I realize that some things that I may not think of as very important are actually extremely important to her, and vice versa. This is often a difficult task because there is almost always some disagreement, but more importantly, I don’t ever want her to fell like she can’t tell me anything.
I think the Bamboo Tree is a great example of building and maintaining a relationship. In my opinion, patience is one of the most important parts of relationship building. Having patience means continually working at the relationship, even when you get frustrated or don’t see immediate growth. You have to have faith that the tree WILL grow, long before it actually starts to grow.
In general, many of the activities at IBC have provided great opportunities for me to open up without hesitation. This marriage mentorship, marriage enrichment Bible study, and other activities have really helped.
February 27, 2013 at 10:07 amJeremy Binns
link | my site
Hi Mark,
Looks like this was posted a while back, but it was really timely for me today. My wife has been going through a pretty difficult time emotionally recently, and my tendency has been towards trying to put a quick fix on the situation and avoid the deep discussions.
Your post really spoke to me today, and I know that I need to re-open the doors for her to make sure that I am still a secure place for her.
** hope the platform is going well **
-Jeremy